Exploring Sexual Fantasies

By Ellen Rapp

Sex and Aging

HSAB Affiliation: Visiting Expert

Virtually everyone fantasizes about sex, whether they are male or female, young or older, married or single, sexually frustrated or sexually happy. But the content and nature of sexual fantasies vary tremendously, sex therapists say. You may fantasize about sex with a "generic" sex partner - faceless and anonymous. Just as likely, the object of your fantasies is someone real: an attractive stranger glimpsed on the street; a friend or acquaintance; a celebrity; a former lover - even your own spouse.

Some fantasies are extended sexual scenarios, filled with elaborate details. Others are quite spare. "You may, for instance, just imagine one act - a kiss, oral sex, or intercourse - or one feeling, such as orgasm," says psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., author of The New Male Sexuality.

While fantasies can, and do, take place without the accompaniment of sexual activity, both sexes often engage in fantasy while masturbating or during sex with a partner. Some people vary the fantasies they have; some have a favorite fantasy (or two or three) that they rely on to get aroused and reach orgasm.

Is It Okay to Fantasize?

Generally, therapists agree, engaging in sexual fantasy is a harmless pleasure. It boosts sexual arousal and makes people feel good. As Zilbergeld puts it, "Even though we're not likely to ever have sex with fourteen Playboy models, it can feel very good to imagine doing so." Fantasizing, and sharing sexual fantasies, can also add excitement to a couple's sex life (more about this later). Yet "lots of people feel guilty or ashamed about having sexual fantasies," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Turn Ons (Plume, paperback, 1999) and Seductions (Plume, paper, 2000). According to Barbach, people are most likely to feel uneasy about fantasies that involve someone other than one's partner, or someone they consider "inappropriate": for instance, a relative, someone much younger or older, or someone of the same sex (if the person fantasizing is heterosexual). But "the things we fantasize about are not necessarily things we would choose to act on," adds Barbach. In fact, people frequently don't wish to act on the fantasies they have. Fantasizing about sexual situations, including those that are unusual or extreme, is "a safe way to experience and explore our erotic feelings in all their infinite variety."

For example, says Barbach, many women have "rape" fantasies, in which they are sexually overtaken by an unknown man. "In this type of fantasy, a woman imagines that the man is so taken with her, he has to have her," says Barbach. But, she emphasizes, "in no way does having such a fantasy mean that a woman wants to be raped in real life." Indeed, when a woman has a "rape" fantasy, she is actually controlling the conditions of the encounter in her mind. This safe and idealized fantasy of sexually submitting to a powerful stranger is a far cry from the trauma of actual rape.

Similarly, most men who fantasize about sexually overpowering a woman are not would-be rapists. Says Zilbergeld, "People who feel guilty about their fantasies need to remind themselves that there is a big difference between imagining doing something and actually carrying it out." Most of us have no wish to act on fantasies that would, if played out in reality, jeopardize our marriages, complicate our lives, or harm ourselves or another person. Another, less serious pitfall to acting on sexual fantasies is that the reality may prove far less exciting than what was imagined. Barbach describes a married couple she knows who had long fantasized about having a threesome with another woman. Finally, "they did bring a second woman into their bed," she says. "And the whole experience was a letdown. It wasn't wonderful at all. So that fantasy got blotched, and the couple no longer enjoy the fantasy anymore."

While sexual fantasy, in itself, is harmless, sometimes fantasizing can signal problems in one's personal life. For instance, says Barbach, "If you are not happy in your relationship and you are constantly fantasizing about other people, that can be a danger sign. It's not so much the content of the fantasy that's a problem, as the context - using fantasy to escape the fact that you're not happy with or turned on by your partner." Warning signs can include fantasies that are compulsive (you can't stop thinking about it) or the inability to get aroused without fantasizing. If you suspect that fantasy is a problem for you, "you need to take an honest look at your situation," advises Barbach. "Are you happy in your relationship? Does your partner excite you? Is there any way you can improve your sex life?"

The Internet, with its anonymous access to numerous adult-oriented forums and chat rooms, provides a fertile ground for engaging in sexual fantasy with strangers. For the single Net user, this can be a harmless and pleasurable outlet (though spending too many hours online can interfere with opportunities to meet real-life partners). But what about married men or women who log on to swap fantasies with others in cyberspace? Does this behavior constitute a threat to the marriage?

It can, notes Emily Brown, a family and marriage therapist, and author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity. "I've seen many marriages stressed by a partner's Net involvement." According to Brown, the very nature of the Internet encourages fantasy. "When you hook up with someone in a chat room or start an e-mail relationship, your fantasies about them build. It's very easy to fantasize about someone you haven't met. The Internet partner assumes the image of being the perfect partner, someone better than the current reality."

Even if the people online never arrange to meet, the very process of communicating can hurt a marriage because "much of the person's energy and attention is focused on the Internet partner, rather than their actual partner." In fact, getting involved in a cyber-romance in the first place is often a sign that a marriage needs help. However, Brown thinks that making an occasional foray into an adult chatroom or fantasy forum is probably harmless. "This is more or less the equivalent of a man looking at an attractive woman while he's out in public, and having erotic thoughts about her. As long as the behavior isn't chronic and doesn't interfere with a person's primary relationship, I don't see it as a problem."

Using Fantasy to Enhance Your Relationship Engaging in sexual fantasy is not only enjoyable - it can also add spark to your relationship. According to sex therapists, most men and women fantasize at least some of the time during foreplay or intercourse. This isn't a bad thing: Indeed, it often results in greater arousal and, subsequently, hotter lovemaking.

Fantasy can be of particular benefit to men over 40, notes Zilbergeld. As it becomes more difficult, with age, to get spontaneous erections, men require more physical and mental stimulation to get and stay hard. "If a man wants to enhance his arousal by imagining a wild sexual scenario, it doesn't mean he's not attracted to his partner or that he doesn't love her," says Zilbergeld. "He can use that arousal as a tool, directing it toward her." The end result, he says, is that both benefit from the man's increased excitement.

In The New Male Sexuality, Zilbergeld describes a technique called "simmering," in which fantasy can be used to increase arousal and prepare for a sexual encounter. While the book is geared toward men, Zilbergeld says the technique can also be used by women.

It works this way: When something triggers a sexual feeling, like the sight of a good-looking stranger or a memory of an exciting encounter," focus on that feeling. "Whatever you're imagining, get into it," writes Zilbergeld. "Run your own X-rated movie." Continue this for awhile. Then, every couple of hours or so, come back to the sexual imagery. "You can imagine exactly what you did the first time or change the experience any way you like."

The last step in the exercise is "to incorporate your real partner in the fantasy if she's not already included." Develop this fantasy any way you like; give your imagination free reign. "When you get home with your partner, you'll probably be highly aroused and ready for a good time." Zilbergeld adds that it is a good idea to prepare your partner ahead of time to let her know you are feeling amorous. "This way you'll both be ready to go when you get together, or at least you'll be aware of what obstacles may exist."

Many couples derive excitement from telling each other their sexual fantasies. If you and your partner would like to try sharing fantasies, however, "you should talk about this ahead of time and see if either of you has any limitations as to what you would be comfortable hearing about," suggests Barbach. For instance, she says, some people would find it upsetting to hear their partner fantasize about someone "real": a friend, co-worker or anyone else who exists in that person's life. Someone else may be put off by fantasies involving scenes of rape or bondage, or of sex with a minor.

"If you feel that way, you should let your partner know, 'I'm open to hearing about anything except...' and then fill in the blank with whatever is off-limits," says Barbach. Once the two of you are comfortable with the idea of sharing fantasies, you can do this as part of foreplay, or even, if you're able to get the words out, while making love.

Some couples find it particularly exciting to act out their fantasies together: a process known as role playing. When you role play, you are acting out a sexual scenario that can be as simple or elaborate as you choose. You may want to pretend, for instance, that one or both of you is a celebrity, or even a fictional character. The latter can provide good fantasy material for avid readers - or writers. One married writer says he sometimes likes to pretend during lovemaking that his wife is one of the female characters in his novels.

Or you can act out scenarios involving dominance and submission. You may want to use props to enhance your fantasy: special clothing, sex toys, silk scarves or ties used as restraints.

Barbach talked to men and women who shared with her some of the fantasies they have acted out together: One couple went out to dinner, pretending that they were "a prostitute and her john." They spent the meal "negotiating" what he would pay her and the things he would do to her once they got to "his" apartment. During a couple's hotel stay, the husband left the room and then knocked on the door, pretending he was the bellboy. The wife, in the role of a business woman