What is Consensual Role-Playing?

By Gloria G. Brame, Ph.D., M.P.H.

Fetishes, Cross-dressing

HSAB Affiliation: Contributing Expert

Consensual role-play, in a sexual context, is when two adults agree to take on roles for the sake of fulfilling their sexual needs. While couples may find that one of them is more excited than the other one by a particular role or role-play game, it is important that both partners expect to enhance their mutual pleasure through the erotic games they will play. Role-playing is not consensual if one partner was coaxed, bullied or manipulated into it.

Role-playing means different things to different people. Most adults use role-playing as a form of foreplay. Once the sexual experience is complete, their interest in continuing the role ends, just as their sexual desire ends. It can be a light-hearted way to add spice to their bedroom fun. They may enjoy pretending to be different types of people (a delivery man, a plumber, a french maid or a movie star). Usually, this kind of role-playing is to arouse and stimulate the lovers, and the experience ends with conventional lovemaking.

Captivity and rape fantasies are perhaps the most popular types of more complex role-playing. Partners may pretend to be pirates or conquerors, captive slaves or damsels in distress, to add tension and unpredictability to sex. The variety of conquest fantasies range from the mild to the wild. They may involve simple props, such as restraints or blindfolds, or expensive fantasy theme rooms. Most adult boutiques, offer a range of outfits and accessories to help adults live out "naughty nurse," "dominatrix," "french maid" and many other fantasies.

For others, the role itself is a source of fascination. Whether they imagine themselves to be a mad scientist or a Victorian schoolmistress, they may invest considerable time and effort in creating the costumes, setting the ambience, having some scenario-appropriate equipment or furniture, and even adopting a speech pattern or slang that suits the role. The more intense forms of role-playing may be sexy but are not always sexual, and do not always (and sometimes never at all) end in sex. Instead, the partners derive their greatest fun and pleasure simply from being in role, or from doing bondage or spanking, and other kinky things while in role.

At another level, role-play may be driven by a very intense fetish or a powerful need to express another side of one's identity. The role may be so all-consuming that it feels every bit as real and powerful as their everyday personality. A good example would be transvestites who feel most complete when they are able to look exactly like women–from fingernails to hair, makeup, and clothes.

Although they are biologically male, when they are in female role, they feel completely feminine. Many of them adopt a female name to help enhance the reality, change the way they walk and talk, and even adopt mannerisms that their masculine alter ego doesn't have. People who are inexperienced with role-playing sometimes fear that if they give in to their fantasies, they will soon find themselves swallowed up by them. This is a myth.

No amount of experimentation will change a person from someone who enjoys the occasional fantasy into someone who cannot live without fantasy. Consensual role-playing gives couples a wonderful opportunity to express their creativity in a safe environment and with trusted partners. To ensure a positive experience, discuss the fantasy scenario in advance. Communicate any fears or limits you have, and elicit the same information from your partner. Discuss whether outfits, sex toys, or other accoutrements will be involved.

You'll find that just having these conversations with your partner is exciting and will get your juices flowing for the main event.